


What About Mexico?

by RenjiFan (NotSoLittleLight)



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Clueless Jared, Early Work, M/M, On Set, Pining, clueless jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 10:46:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14567340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotSoLittleLight/pseuds/RenjiFan
Summary: He’d never meant for it to be like this. Never meant to feel this way. In fact, he’d fought it as hard as he possibly could, feeling like a degenerate, less of a friend than the one who cared so much for him.





	What About Mexico?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm finally getting around to archiving my old fics from LJ on here. This was originally posted in September 2008. Hope you enjoy.

The night air was cool as Jensen sat on the hood of his truck, bottle of Bud Lite held tentatively between his rolling fingers. The slick of condensation moved slowly down the side, dripping into his palm on occasion, cold and welcome on his clammy hands.

He’d never meant for it to be like this. Never meant to  _feel_  this way. In fact, he’d fought it as hard as he possibly could, feeling like a degenerate, less of a friend than the one who cared so much for him.

He turned his head only slightly to the sound of the screen door opening, a sudden rush of rock music clear and pronounced in the still night. He turned his head back and stared at the tree line in front of him when he saw the figure stepping from the porch and heading toward him.

“Jen, what’s up man?” Jared grinned, his face flushed from the steady stream of alcohol he’d taken in since the party started two hours ago. He slapped Jensen’s knee playfully before turning and pulling himself up to sit beside him on the hood. “Why you bein’ anti-social, dude? It’s crazy in there.”

Jensen shrugged, his eyes remaining on the foliage as he took a sip from his bottle, the alcohol going down way too easy. Licking his lips, he felt as Jared gently bumped his shoulder, encouraging him to talk. This was how it was with them. He didn’t need verbal cues, didn’t need to even look at Jared to know that his friend was concerned. This was why he felt like such a bastard.

“It’s nothin’, man. Just not feelin’ it tonight.” He braved a glance to his side to see Jared’s elbows propped on his long legs, his head nodding slowly. His long, chocolate strands fell haphazardly about his face and Jensen fought the urge to run his fingers through them, clenching his jaw and returning his gaze to the night beyond them.

The muffled bass from inside the house was the only sound in the stillness of the night, the moon high and bright in the sky, breaking through in streams of light across the bare branches surrounding them. Jensen welcomed the coolness against his naked forearms, against his reddened cheeks. He’d known that last shot was a mistake, knew if he got too drunk he wouldn’t be able to control the direction of his thoughts. He  _knew_  he shouldn’t be thinking of this, especially with Jared so close, so concerned. Why did he have to go and screw up such a good thing by wanting, by  _needing_  more? 

“Jensen.” Jared’s voice broke through the comfortable silence and Jensen felt his shoulders tense at the tone of his voice. It wasn’t hard, but it wasn’t the typical “Jen” said in his lazy drawl. It was his full name, said in earnest, said with command and Jensen couldn’t help but turn to look at him. 

“I don’t know what it is that’s been eatin’ at you lately,” Jared started, running a hand through his hair and pulling it away from his face as he turned his slanted eyes toward him. His voice was soft, his eyes shining in the moonlight around them, slivers of blue and green boring into Jensen until he felt the breath stop dead in his chest. “But you gotta know, whatever it is, I’m here, ya know?” 

Jensen couldn’t respond, afraid of the  _It’s you. It’s me. It’s the fact that I can’t help but want something I can never have._ that threatened to escape his lips. It was there, resting in the back of his throat, aching to come out, but the fear that consumed him kept his silence until Jared ducked his head beneath his hair once more and continued, “You drive me crazy with how introverted you get sometimes, you know that?” A soft huff of laughter escaped Jared’s lips as he reached up and grabbed Jensen’s shoulder. “Just want you to know, no matter how stupid you might think it is, if it’s got you knotted up, it’s important to me, too, ok?”

Jensen swallowed and nodded almost mechanically, scared to speak, scared to move, the warmth of Jared’s hand seeping through the flannel and cotton separating their skin. And just as suddenly as it was there, it was gone, as was Jared’s body beside him as he slid from the hood to the ground. Jensen blinked up at him and Jared flashed him a grin, the one that says  _I know you better than anyone but I won’t hold it against you._  

“Come back and have fun, when you’re ready,” he said brightly before stuffing his hands in his pockets and turning back toward the house.

Jensen closed his eyes with a soft sigh as the yearning in his gut clenched tight. It physically hurt, this want, the knowledge that he could never say the words aloud, never have what he saw in his dreams, never touch the way his fingers itched to touch. He’d never have it, because he couldn’t risk losing what he already had. A best friend that understood him without him having to explain, someone who could make him smile and feel lighter than ever before in his troubled life. He’d lose it all, unless he kept silent, and the solid knowledge of that fact kept him on the hood of his truck for another half an hour before he finally summoned the courage to hop down and stroll back inside, ready to face the music.

~~

“I don’t think I’m gonna make it to Mexico over hiatus, man,” Jensen said as he closed his eyes and leaned his head back to thunk on the fake brick building behind them. He felt rather than saw Jared push himself off of the wall, staring at him.

They’d made the plans after wrapping the fifth episode of the fourth season. Just the two of them, Mexico, a penthouse suite somewhere secluded where they could drink and hang and do absolutely nothing for a whole month. Both of them had rejected scripts that held shooting during the time they’d planned for, talking for hours on end about what they would do and see.

“Why?”

Jensen swallowed.  _Because I can’t do this anymore._  “I just got some shit I gotta do with the family, ya know how it is,” he said as calmly and as nonchalantly as he could manage. He ignored the tightening in his stomach as he heard Jared scoff.

“Seriously? You really think  _I’m_ gonna buy a line that lame?” Jared said as he stood straight, moving until his shadow covered Jensen, blackening the sunlight that peeked behind his eyelids.

He bit his lip, hard, his pointy canine piercing the skin until he could taste the coppery aftertaste of his own blood trail along his tongue. The pain forced away the urge to shout, the urge to run and he slowly opened his eyes to look at his best friend. “I can’t go with you to Mexico, dude. Just – don’t push it, ok?”

Jared tilted his head to the side, his gaze studying Jensen, eyes squinted and focused on him and he could feel the heat rising on the back of his neck, knew Jared would see his flush as it rose to his cheeks. He cleared his throat and pushed off of the wall, careful to avoid Jared’s towering frame. He stepped to the side and braced a hand over his eyes, looking out to the cameras set up along the lot in front of them.

“Jen, what is goin  _on_  with you, man?” Jared’s voice was tense, and Jensen licked his lips as he took a long breath before turning back to the source of his internal dilemma.

“Nothin’ is goin’  _on´_  with me, man. I told you. Family stuff.” He detested the cowardice that dripped from his voice, the deception to the one person who’d ever only been completely honest with him.

Jared nodded, his lips pursed together, a familiar scowl present between his brows. One Jensen usually only saw when they were doing a scene. “Right,” Jared said as he looked back and forth across the lot. “Ya know what? Tell Kim I’ll be in my trailer when they get the fuckin’ lights right. I –“ He narrowed his eyes at Jensen and the older man felt the knot in his stomach coil tighter with shame. “I’ll be in my trailer.”

Jensen watched as Jared strolled off. Anyone else looking at him would not know that he was pissed, but Jensen knew the way his shoulders looked when he was holding back a rage, knew the way the vein beside his pulse stood out just a little when he was clenching his teeth, knew the way his fists balled up inside his jacket pockets as he dug his fingernails into his palm. He knew he’d pissed him off.

Jensen fell back on the wall and fought back the sick feeling crawling in his stomach. He knew that his behavior was off. He knew he wasn’t acting  _normal_  around his co-star, his best friend, but he couldn’t  _help_ it. It hurt too fucking much. It hurt to think of them in Mexico with all of those women who would no doubt fawn over Jared, to watch Jared pick up a different girl every night. Hell, just hearing about his exploits in L.A. with Tracy and Chad stirred up a jealousy so fierce, Jensen had to politely excuse himself from the story-telling at the bar to head home and ‘rest.’

It was okay here in Vancouver. It was okay because both of them were too fucking  _busy_  to worry with women. It was okay because in Vancouver, he had him all to himself. In Mexico, he would have to share, and he couldn’t bear the thought anymore. It was better this way. It was better that he not go and ruin Jared’s good time. It was better that he not see what would inevitably destroy the fragile defenses he had in place against this feeling he didn’t want. It was just better this way.

~~

“Oh, my god,” Jensen grumbled as he rolled onto his side and hit the off button on his alarm. Five a.m. came too early all too often, but especially so after half a bottle of Jack Daniels. Jared hadn’t spoken to him in three days, which meant three days of waking up on his own, something he was no longer used to after three months of having the “Official Padalecki Wake-Up Call.” It was probably the best part of Jensen’s day; a hot, black cup of coffee and an already steamy bathroom, half an orange on the kitchen counter and a travel mug already filled to the brim with the remainder of the liquid caffeine Jensen required to function in the morning.

Three days of no after-work bullshit, no Halo contests, no Guitar Hero concerts, no games of catch in the backyard with Sadie and Harley. Hell, Jensen didn’t even know  _where_  the dogs  _were_. Jared barely spoke to him on the set, just to run lines or to work out the setting of a scene. It was all a mess.

He honestly hadn’t expected Jared to react so strongly to him cancelling their plans to Mexico. Figured he’d call Chad or one of his other buddies in L.A. that had similar shooting schedules and just run with it like he always did. Jared was carefree and took life like an effortless ride. There was no way Jensen could’ve predicted that the backlash of his announcement.

With a stretch that felt like it was stealing his breath, Jensen groaned and pulled himself to a sitting position. He ran a hand over his face, trying to pull the last remnants of sleep from his eyes before staring out into the still darkened hallway beyond his bedroom door. The house was too quiet, even with the cold-shoulder treatment he’d been receiving lately. By five, Jared was usually at least walking around, his heavy gait noticeable in the house, but as Jensen listened, the only sounds that arose were that of his own breath.

Standing, Jensen wrapped himself in his robe to shield himself against the brisk Vancouver morning, stepping into the hall as he tied the belt around his waist. Tentatively, he took the ten steps it took to reach Jared’s bedroom door, which was uncharacteristically closed as it had been the previous three nights.

“Jared?” he called softly, knocking against the wood with his knuckles. “Come on man. Time to get up.”

He dropped his hand and listened for signs of movement but all that came was silence. He raised his knuckles to knock again when the door opened slowly, wide and dark brown eyes staring tiredly through the crack and Jensen’s breath caught in his throat.

Jensen had heard the term “sucking chest wound” on more than one occasion but never really admired the stunning accuracy of the phrase until that moment. It felt like a knife in his chest, a slap in the face and a bitter betrayal all encompassed in a cloud of guilt and humiliation.

“Sandy,” he said, forcing his voice level, despite the tightening in his throat. He was Jared’s  _friend_. He had no right or claim over him. No reason to feel so utterly lost by the implications of her being in Jared’s room at five in the morning, no right to demand to know why she was there.

She smiled shyly at him, her dimples barely denting the edges of her mouth. “He’s still asleep,” she whispered with a fleeting glance behind her, presumably to Jared’s sleeping form. “What time will the car be here?”

“A- An hour,” Jensen said, forcing the confused, hurt lines marring his brow to soften. “It’ll be here at six.”

She nodded. “I’ll get him up.”

Jensen nodded curtly in return and turned to walk toward his room before Sandy had the chance to say anything more. He heard the click of the lock echo around him and he stopped still in his doorway. Berating himself, he swallowed down all of the feelings erupting inside him, a constant mantra of “Stop it. Stop it.” running through his mind as he summoned all of his resolve, schooled his features to something resembling  _not heartbroken_  and set off to prepare for his day.

~~

“Dean!” Jared shouted, running and dropping to his knees, his hands gripping Jensen’s shoulders and shaking him as the flash pops went off around them, spreading debris and smoke around them. “Dean, come on! We gotta get outta here!”

Jensen waited for his cue, a light tap under his right shoulder to signal that the camera had panned to the appropriate spot before blinking his eyes open with a shuddering cough. “S-Sam,” he gasped and looked up at Jared, their eyes locking and holding even as Kim shouted “Cut” from behind them.

Jensen’s heart began to thump hard against the inside of his chest as Jared stared at him, his expression still set to Sam’s patented “worried” look, but with something else, an added sadness. Neither moved, Jared’s knees resting beside Jensen’s curled form on the floor, his large hands wrapped around Jensen’s shoulders. Jensen searched his face for an answer to the unspoken question in his eyes,  _What’s wrong?_

Suddenly, Jared’s jaw clenched tight, the sides of his jaw pronounced as the fleeting sadness Jensen thought he saw was washed away. Jared drew away quickly, standing and walking off of the set before Jensen had a chance to speak, let alone stand to follow.

It was confusing, the expression on his friend’s face, but as a slender PA helped Jensen to his feet, he refused to let himself question it. He refused to hope or think of  _anything_  relative to where his brain, his heart wanted to go. It was an impossibility, so pointless to even think of. Once again, Jensen squashed his wandering thoughts and smiled at the PA.

“Thanks.”

~~

Jensen sat in bed, glasses perched on his nose, book resting comfortably on his raised thighs, the only sounds the pages turning, running through his fingers every so often and the hum of the lamp beside him. It was because of the settled silence that he jumped, startled when a soft knock sounded at his door.

A hand to his chest to combat his suddenly racing heart, Jensen called out, “Yeah?”

The door opened slowly, revealing Jared inch by inch until he was standing in the doorway, a small, reserved and so-unlike Jared smile on his face. He jammed his hands into the pockets of the plaid PJ bottoms he wore. “Can I come in?”

Jensen pursed his lips,  _You really have to ask?,_  written clearly on his face. He dog-eared his book and set it on the night stand, scooting over to make room as Jared walked timidly to the bed.

He stood there, teeth biting into his bottom lip, eyes focused on some spot on Jensen’s sheets. “Dude,” Jensen said, breaking the awkward silence and Jared’s head snapped up, a flush filling his cheeks. “Sit your gargantuan ass down. You’re killin’ my neck.” Jensen smiled, trying not to look as confused as he was by Jared’s behavior.

It’d been almost a full week since Jared had stopped speaking to him and while they’d had fights before, gone days without speaking except on set, when they’d revert back to normal, it was usually over a cracked joke or an offer to grab a beer, something casual that just ended whatever it was going on, but this… this was formal, intimate… scary.

Jared sat down on the edge of the bed, his hands on his lap for a moment before taking a deep breath and speaking. “I’m sorry,” he finally said, soft enough that Jensen almost didn’t hear him.

“Dude, it’s no big deal,” Jensen sighed, shrugging. “I was the one who cancelled.”

“Not for that,” Jared’s voice was louder now, but his gaze did not move from the spot of carpet between his feet.

“Then – dude, what else do you have to apologize for?” Anticipation hit Jensen like a punch. He had no idea what his friend could be apologizing for if it wasn’t for their lack of communication over the last week.

“I – I don’t know, Jensen. I don’t –“ Jared stumbled over the words, his head rising, hair falling at the sides of his face as he turned to look at Jensen with an expression of weary defeat. “I don’t know how to say it, but – I-“ He stopped abruptly and returned his gaze to the floor.

“Jared… What the  _hell_  is going on?” Jensen asked slowly, a tense knot of worry shifting in his gut until a wave of light nausea washed over him. Whatever this was, it wasn’t good.

“This whole thing… Us living together and working together and…. It’s just not working anymore, man.” Jared’s soft voice seemed to reverberate in Jensen’s chest, tearing him apart with his words. Jared glanced up and out of the bedroom door, refusing to look at Jensen as he continued. “I – I want somethin' that I can’t have and it’s… It’s killin’ me. You bein’ here… It actually fuckin'  _hurts_  sometimes, and I know you’re not like that, I know you don’t even wanna hear me say it, but I just  _can’t_  do it anymore. I can’t have you here when all I wanna do is come in here and …” Jared’s hurried words came out in a flourish before he abruptly stopped, leaving Jensen’s brain in a struggle to understand.

He felt his mouth physically drop open with the shock as the words set in, staring at Jared’s profile for what seemed like an eternity before the words “Are you shittin’ me?” broke through the haze in a huffed breath.

Jared’s face fell even more, if that were possible and he shook his head, eyes closing. “I’m sorry,” he said again.

The knot in Jensen’s stomach was gone, replaced by a burst of anxious energy and he climbed to his knees as he stared at Jared incredulously. “What about Sandy?” he asked, knowing it sounded accusing, not caring.

“She was up here for a pilot. We went out, got drunk. She crashed here…” Jared said simply with a shrug. A fucking  _shrug_ , like seeing her here hadn’t almost  _killed_  Jensen, hadn’t broken his heart with every possible scenario running through his head.

“You have  _got_  to be shittin’ me,” Jensen repeated, at a loss for anything else to say.

Jared nodded slowly, seemingly to himself before rising from the bed. Jensen watched in horror, his head screaming  _Wait! No. Come back. Do SOMETHING!_ Jensen bounded forward, grabbing Jared’s wrist and standing as tall as he could on his knees.

“Jen?” Jared looked confused, hurt, almost like he was anticipating a punch in the face but Jensen didn’t let go.

“You son of a bitch,” Jensen growled. Jared flinched, opened his mouth to no doubt apologize again but Jensen silenced him with a hard pull on his wrist, jerking Jared forward. Their chests were flush against each other and Jensen watched Jared’s eyes grow wide for just a fraction of a second before attacking his mouth.

He couldn’t help the smirk at Jared’s surprised squawk but it melted away as Jared seemed to catch on, kissing Jensen back with a needy groan, breaking his wrist free from Jensen’s grasp to wrap his arms around him and pull him closer.

Heat from Jared’s fingertips seeped into Jensen’s skin and consumed him as Jared’s hands trailed under his t-shirt, a shiver rising and coursing through him as he moaned into his mouth. Their tongues met, danced and parted again and again, Jensen’s hands fisting in Jared’s shirt, their desperation pulling them closer and closer until Jensen thought his body was going to fall away into nothingness.

Jared pulled away first, a look of incredulity on his face. “Seriously?” he asked breathlessly and Jensen nodded, unable to find it in his brain to form words. “What about Mexico?”

Jensen felt a flush of embarrassed heat fill his cheeks, replacing the fever caused by Jared’s mouth. He ducked his head for a moment before looking up at Jared through his lashes. “Wasn’t trying to watch you hook up with all those hot women?” he said in a small voice and Jared laughed, sudden and loud and bright, his perfect teeth bared as he tossed his head back.

Jensen’s mouth twitched with the ridiculousness and the embarrassment and the utterly awesome fact that Jared’s hands were still resting comfortably on his hips as the last of his laughter came in quiet huffs.

When their eyes met again, they were both smiling manically, watching each other with a look of awe mixed with unbelievable relief.

“Hey, Jensen…” Jared finally said, breaking the silence.

“Yeah?” Jensen could feel Jared’s thumbs as they ran small circles over the jut of his hips.

“We’re pretty fucking clueless.”

“Yeah.” Jensen grinned wider.

“And you know what else?” Jared’s smile mirrored Jensen’s, growing until Jensen thought his face would split if he kept doing that. Or someone would fall into one of his dimples. Either or.

“Hmm?” He couldn’t stop looking at him, the feeling of his hands, his warmth, this absolutely weird night turning out to be the best of his life.

Jared leaned close, his lips hovering close to Jensen’s, his breath when he spoke warm against his flushed skin. “We are  _so_  goin’ to Mexico.”

 


End file.
